A few days ago, I was taking a break with a friend, sitting outside in a beautiful park, soaking up the sun. I relished the chance to sit quietly in nature and catch up. We got around to discussing our personal lives and the inner workings of our family dynamics.
We shared, laughed, winced, and sighed – at all the things that are going very well, and those things that we wished might have been different. (It’s wonderful to a have a friend you can be truly candid and authentic with, isn’t it?) What a gift.
After sharing a bit about our perceived triumphs and disappointments, my friend said something that reached in and plucked a heartstring for me. She said:
“Kathy, I’ve realized that in order to be happy and not drive myself mad, I have to love my kids and my husband for who they are, but also for who they aren’t.”
Wow, did that resonate for me.
My friend was talking about that fact that, despite everything we try to do for our family, and how hard we strive to shape them (and our relationships) in ways we think are healthy, happy and productive — they’re just not always going to be who we think they should be, or who we think we want them to be.
But rather than waste precious time longing for them to be different, it’s so much more peaceful and fulfilling to accept them as they are, and love them for who they and for who they are not. It’s an easier and more joyful life when we embrace the idea that if parts of our loved ones were different – even tiny fragments or slivered dimensions — they simply wouldn’t be the people we love so deeply.
Our discussion reminded me of something my husband said to me years ago when we were first married. I was picking a quarrel with him about something insignificant about his behavior (some imagined huge “flaw” of his that I was deeply annoyed about), and he said,
“You know, Kathy, I don’t view you and our relationship the way you do. I don’t extract out the small, petty things I don’t like, examine them and make a federal case of them, or wish they were different. I accept what is. I look at you as a whole package that I’ve married – not something I can dissect and separate into little pieces that are good or bad. I take the whole thing.”
My friend and I explored this, and agreed that women seem to do more of this “separate, evaluate, and denigrate” thing. We hone in on the stuff that we believe should be modified. We magnify it and make it a huge bone of contention. Men on the other hand, don’t seem to have this ever-constant need to pick us apart and talk to death about the stuff they wish were different.
Whether it’s a gender thing or not, I know this to be true – when I am able to fully accept my family (and everyone else I know, for that matter, including myself), my life goes better.
My job, I realize, isn’t to play creator or “tinkerer” – it’s to be fully present, alive, loving and accepting, to the greatest degree I can.
When I’m able to do that, I realize that all is just as it should be.
How about you – Do you find more joy and peace when you accept your loved ones for who they are, rather than tinker with them to be someone else?
Whew, resonates all around here. And harks back to the idea of how we see, dwell on, and complain about the minuses but take the plusses for granted. I have to remind myself all the time, both with my husband and son who at 8 is developing quite the personality. I think sometimes I feel like I’ve lost so much of that more relaxed “pre-parent” self and have been consumed by the nagging, nitpicking mom, desperately seeking to regain that level of control over my own life that I’m just not going to have again, at least until my kids grow up. When I let go of that need for control, I can accept the bad with the good a lot easier. And I only hope my family keeps accepting me as the whole package too, because it can be ugly sometimes!
Great newsletter Kathy as always and yes, this message resonated with me immensely. Here’s what I’ve learned. You can’t change other people no matter how hard you try or how much you love them. Your real gift to them is loving them for who they are. The other thing I’ve learned is usually the things I want to change in other people, are actually flaws in my own personality/behavior. And so I try to be grateful to these people for showing me the things I need to work on. And in the end…we all just want to be accepted for who we are, don’t we?
Rebecca, Jennifer and Alicia – Thanks so much for your insightful, poignant comments. Looks like we’re all learning these lessons in our own way, and in our own time. You’ve seen as I have that it’s a painful, bumpy road to try to control and shape everything. If we can just get out of the way and let life unfold a bit more, we pave the way for much for joy, peace, and success for all involved. Thanks for sharing!
Great article Kathy-
And I do have a story of coming to a place in my marriage where I came to accept who my husband was and even came to realize that I was with him, just the way he was including weaknesses, faults, etc. because of who I was. It was an awakening for me and very humbling to realize that I was the one that needed to change, and in that process, it was amazing how my husband and others in my life seemed to magically change:-). It taught me a valuable lesson that when we focus on improving ourselves first and get our eyes off everything that we see wrong in others and examine our own lives that we become more honest about who we are and why we are in the relationship we’re in. It has more to do with who we are than who they are, make sense?
Hi Kathy, Awesome article that many can learn & benefit from. I was brought up this way and find it hard that so many people today simply do not understand! A long time ago I read the book: “I’m OK, You’re OK” & that really validates All you’ve said!
Have a Super Day & Stay Well, Julie
http://www.nikken.com/julieclark
Hi Kathy,
Great article!
I don’t think it’s a “gender” thing, because I.
Think that guys “dissect” trivial things too. I
Know that my husband does
But I do agree that it’s destructive, whoever
Is not accepting of the other as he or she is.
I think that many times we are “unaware ” of our
actions
Perhaps it’s tme to stop, regroup & make conscious
Decisions/actions
Joan
Hey Kathy,
Love the newsletter, nice quick reminder of specific, important issues. Thank you for sharing your honest experiences.
Regarding current article: I do not think it is gender specific to pick apart the little things in others. I think it is common in men or women that are aggravated with their spouse or children and want to insult or belittle them with the negative things they do. Seems to be a power issue in relationships to show the partner what they “aren’t”. Almost always invites an argument too. (Some however do this unintentionally) Really Kathy I can’t imagine you doing this!
My son Michael had a fantastic teacher in grade 2, Mrs. Coleman. Whenever I observed her I noticed her consistent approach to “correcting behavior”. Rather than call out the names of the children who were NOT behaving the way she
needed, she simply and clearly named the student who WERE displaying that behavior, ” I am so happy to see that Michael and Elliot are sitting quietly with their desks cleared waiting to begin our next lesson!” The children would realize they also should be displaying this behavior and would ‘self-correct ‘but without the embarrassment and public humiliation they would have otherwise experienced. They loved her even more for this gift and claimed the responsibility and desire to do the right thing next time. What a positive way of avoiding calling attention to the negative !
What a great insight–loving your kids for who they are and for who they aren’t. But I think the same thing applies to ourselves as well. So many times I have condemned myself for the skills I don’t have, the things I haven’t accomplished, and the qualities I lack. How much kinder to accept and love yourself for who you aren’t. That may be the first step in loving others for who they aren’t too. I think I’ll give it a try this week. Please thank your friend for her insight.
Thanks, Edi. Beautiful concept – to love ourselves for who we are, and aren’t. I learned a powerful affirmation years in ago, and when I say it to myself, I feel so much better. It’s this: “I thoroughly love and accept myself.” If each of us could truly feel this, even for a second each day, what a change we’d see in the world, and in our lives. Thanks again for sharing.