Personally, I’ve had a few hard knocks this week from several people who indicated they’d like to offer constructive feedback, but then proceeded to tear down and put down.
Helpful or Hurtful?
As a trained therapist, communicator and energy worker, I feel energy. I feel a vast energetic difference between words that come from someone who has clear vision, who’s done the inner work, and who is offering feedback from a caring, service-oriented place, versus input from one who hasn’t done the hard work of examining herself and understanding her own fears, vulnerabilities or dark side. Sure, there are times when we hear critical input and it hurts, but we know deep down that it’s well-intended and important to take in. But in the cases where the giver is not intending to be helpful, (and is just lashing out instead), we should NOT take it in.
It’s vitally important to be able to differentiate. After all, (as my new friend just shared), “You don’t have to catch every ball that’s thrown at you.”
As hard as it is to be “torn down,” I’m using it as fodder for growth. I’m taking the time to settle into it and feel what it’s teaching me. I’m looking at how I co-created the space for it. I’m also continuing to build stronger boundaries, and remembering that not everyone is going to like us!
As You Spread Your Wings, You Bump into More Things
I’ve heard, and now believe, that the clearer we get about who we are and what we’re doing here, the more powerful and purposeful we are on that path, the more people will find us off-putting or threatening (and unlikable)! I’ve heard it said that if you’re not offending anyone, you’re not taking a strong enough stand! Intriguing concept, and I’m seeing a good deal of validity in it.
As I’ve been experiencing some challenging feedback that didn’t feel as if it were coming from a pure place, perhaps you have too? I hope not, but if so, please remember this:
You’re awesome, and you’re working very diligently to come from a place of service and to help many, from your heart. You are special, and it’s time to stop shying away from your specialness.
Sometimes, even when not delivered in a kind and/or loving way some criticism can still be valid. People don’t always intend to be mean spirited, they may just not know how to give criticism. It’s a skill just like anything else. At best it’s delivered through the filter of their own experience. They don’t mean to rain on your parade. They’re just too busy thinking about their own.
A book I’ve found very helpful is “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. Agreement number two: Don’t Take Anything Personally. “Nothing others do is because of you. What other say and do is a projection of their won reality, their own dream.” This is, of course, easier said than done.
Thanks Leighann and Abby. Appreciate your comments very much!
I’ve found that folks who rain on your parade are always thinking about themselves, not you. But for me, I’ve also had the amazing pleasure these past few years of spending lots of time with very evolved people who don’t just let the “toads” slip out – they control themselves and contain themselves and keep their negative, limiting thoughts to themselves. Once you’ve been around that level of self-mastery (which is a blessing!), it’s really jarring to be with others who feel free to knock you down. I love the Four Agreements – beautiful book! And I’d add again – it’s vitally important to know how to differentiate what to take in and what to brush off.
Thanks for your comments and interest. Keep ’em coming!
I’d like to add that Kathy’s blog post really resonates with me because last week I received a rather wicked piece of hate email, which I couldn’t resist responding to in my weekly humor blog, The Urban Erma. I emailed it to Kathy, she loved it and thought it appropriate to share here. I hope you enjoy it too: “A Hater and A Coward: The Narcissist Gets Called Out!” http://leighannlord.blogspot.com/2011/01/hater-and-coward.html
Hi Kathy,
Thanks for initiating the conversation 🙂 I think there is a BIG difference between thoughtful feedback and criticism. For me, one comes from a place of love and the other does not. I can really hear another’s feedback when I FEEL their intention is clean, pure and for my highest good. Feedback quite often offers me an opening into another perception or way to view things. When criticized, I feel attacked at my core and my defenses go up.
It has taken me some time to get to this place that I am in my life…which is a place of really choosing what to let in to my sacred space. I enjoy being around people who help me grow, where there is an equal sharing of giving and taking for all to reach their highest potential.
For people that I don’t resonate with or those that don’t resonate with me, I surround them with love and ask Source to protect and bless us so we don’t bump into each other.
Life is too precious to be in the space of negativity, limited thinking and thorny comments. I also believe that many unaware people project onto others their unconscious stuff.
Thanks again for initiating conversation Kathy!
Dear Denise – what a beautiful, love-filled response. So kind. I just love your approach that you choose what you let into your sacred space. This sums it up so perfectly – we are sacred, each of us, and in order to move on our sacred path, we need to protect and nurture ourselves. But the extra step of blessing those with whom we don’t resonate, and asking for them to be surrounded with love as well…that’s what’s needed too. It becomes a blessing to both that we’ve crossed paths. Thank you so much for sharing. xo